Wednesday, 3 March 2010

What the future holds...

For a while now I have wondered where to take this blog, but it seems to me that I need to really focus on what is happening in our lives and use it as a real outlet, because right now big things are happening. And I do believe that this means the blog may turn far more towards a focus on endo, marriage and trying for a family than anything else... I hope this means I will make some new blogging friends with similar experiences, but without alienating any of my current readers!

Anyway, I better fill you all in on exactly what is going on. First things first, I finished the Synarel spray (used to induce a pseudo-menopause) just over a week ago, and things are interesting right now. I am constantly exhausted and I can only assume this is due to my hormones doing a rebalancing act. I've also had the odd day of bleeding (bright red) but nothing more, so I am warily waiting to see what happens.

I say "warily" because the whole point of trying the Synarel spray was to give my Mirena coil chance to really get going and help with the endo (my previous one stopped my periods, although didn't stop the endo growing back). I really want a few months of feeling good again, and for that reason I have given in my notice at work and shall be taking a few months out before returning to a previous job which is far more flexible. However, I am also wary because Tim and I are wanting to try for a family soon, and this means having the coil removed and who knows what "fun" that could bring.

The older I get, the harder it is to fight the maternal instinct that, for me, kicked in at a very young age. As a 9 year old, watching my mum work as a childminder, I knew that one day I wanted to be a parent myself. Growing up, I took opportunities to babysit and subsequently work in nurseries and day care, however in the previous year or two, especially since meeting Tim, the desire to start a family has really kicked in, spurred on by the fact that I am now old enough to consider it and that I am seeing friends and family having their own families too. It must also be mentioned that we are aware that the endo could well mean we could have difficulties falling pregnant and though we try not to worry about it, it is something we accept we may have to deal with one day soon.

Of course, to begin with, I was the only broody one of the two of us, but since our nephew was born Tim has caught the baby-bug too and we would like to think that after our wedding in October (my health permitting) we can think about trying for a family of our own. Scary, but exciting stuff. Especially when I watch things like "One Born Every Minute" - that's enough to make anyone want a baby!

This brings me on to another thing - money. We are not rich, far from it, and my coming out of work and considering part-time work only means money will only get tighter. It is the driving factor between us moving - if we ever want to be able to do this, then we need to live somewhere cheaper than in the commuter belt for our capital city. I have struggled with this, as I feel immense guilt at times for putting the pressure upon Tim to provide for us, yet I know that if we are ever to be able to have a family I will need to time to ensure I am strong and healthy and able to care for both myself and the baby. So the change is required. I just feel guilty about it.

So that's where I'm at... a hormonal wreck in some ways and struggling with the stress of changing towns, changing jobs, changing lives... many changes indeed. So I think this blog really will become far more of an outpouring of what is happening than anything truly constructive, so don't expect any well-thought-out posts any time soon!




2 comments:

Bithya said...

Oh honey..dont worry about "alienating" readers.. I love reading about your life, makes me feel like I am there... a part of it..even when I'm far away. I don't always like what I'm reading and would love to make things easier for you guys... but I can't ... so I am here...reading it and thinking of you..and sending lots of love!

Big Hugs

Jeanne said...

Amanda,

This is your blog to use as you see fit. So you owe no one any explanations!

It makes perfect sense that you are feeling a need to focus on what is happening in your lives and use your blog as a real outlet.

Like you said... big things are happening. I really don't think you should worry about alienating readers.

Heck, you never signed a contract with your readers promising to talk about certain subjects.

Please try to let go of your fears and use this blog as your safe place.

I have no doubt that you will make some new blogging friends with similar experiences.

I'm sorry that you are so exhausted! Some of the medication to treat endometriosis can have powerful side effects.

GOOD FOR YOU leaving that job!

Amanda, PLEASE don't feel guilty about it. That job has caused you very high stress levels for a long time now. Such stress is not good for anyone's health and certainly not good for the health of someone with a serious chronic illness like endometriosis.

Please don't feel guilty. From everything you have described over a long period of time now, it sounds like you and Tim made an excellent decision regarding you leaving that job and returning to a more flexible one/taking some time to get needed rest!

I have never seen the show you mentioned but did a quick click on your hyperlink and the still picture there alone tells me that it's a show you might want to stay away from right about now.

Some shows can be sheer torture for anyone with an illness that potentially causes infertility. You might want to give yourself a mental break and avoid shows like that.

You are smart to do what you can to get as strong & healthy as possible before trying to conceive. So, whatever steps you need to take to do that are wise planning. Please don't torture yourself feeling guilty about it.

I am not trying to invalidate your feelings in any way. I understand that you have feelings of guilt. All I'm trying to say is don't torture yourself. It honestly sounds like you are making sound choices!

You have a LOT going on. To be dealing with a serious hormonal shift with the medication switch on top of everything else is a LOT!!!

Good for you making your blog an outpouring of what is happening! Who says that is not constructive? Sharing your story can help others, Amanda!

You posts always come across as "well-thought-out" to me!

Give yourself credit for all of the good choices you've made, all of the productive soul-searching you've done, all of the coping skills you have gained for dealing with a serious chronic illness. Give yourself credit for all of the effort you threw into that job while you there. Give yourself credit for knowing when it was time to move on.

Amanda, give yourself permission to take a mental vacation from guilt, anxiety, and worrying about other people's expectations. You are doing great things and you need to give yourself credit for what you've accomplished.

I am sending positive energy your way and I wish you peaceful thoughts and strengthening health.

Jeanne

P.S. THANK YOU for posting the endometriosis awareness petition on your blog!!!

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