Monday, 29 March 2010

Difficult decisions

I have an interview to go to on Wednesday and it is for an amazing opportunity. The problem is, I'm not so sure I want the job. Had I been offered the interview a couple of years ago I'd have been overjoyed, but I'm in a different place now and my heart feels heavy when I think of actually doing the job... in fact my heart feels heavy whenever I think of working full-time at all, because I feel like I have finally found myself in a position where I can slow down and move forward in my life in a more fulfilling way than working my way up the career ladder and if I were to take this great opportunity, I would lose the equally great opportunity to really be me...

Let me explain. This new job would be full-time management of a charity shop. It would be a fantastic opportunity, being within the charity sector and getting management experience at 26! But, my health has been so bad this past year or two and I have been so desperate to have a break that to lose this by rushing straight into a demanding job seems counter-productive. I am sick of feeling so ill and exhausted all the time.

But more than that - Tim and I had planned on having my coil out during the coming few months so that we could try for a baby after the wedding. I want to do this whilst out of work because my endo means I feel rubbish a lot anyway, but start messing with my hormones and I'm a wreck. I want a family, I've always wanted a family, and it is finally within my grasp... I can finally get excited about it and believe it is a possibility, not just a dream. If I take this job, I put this dream out of reach again because I want to do this in the best way for me, Tim and the baby (if we fall pregnant).

And even more than that - I want to be at home to provide for Tim... to cook meals, clean, keep house and make it a home rather than the resting place it has become with us both working full-time and commuting. If I take this job one of us will have to commute as Tim will be working in another town to the one this job is in. When I think about it I *know* that it is right to say no and follow my heart and dreams, but that is so scary, to turn my back on what I've been taught to believe (i.e. that I have to work hard every day, that we'll always struggle financially, that I cannot stay home etc).

It's a difficult decision and I actually wish I hadn't been offered the interview, but I guess life is about learning to follow your heart sometimes and that isn't always easy.

1 comment:

Jeanne said...


I know from talking with you elsewhere that you've already decided what to do about the interview.

I once interviewed for (and was offered) a job that in many ways would have been a great job for me. (The reasons against it were TIMING and HEALTH PROBLEMS). They had looked at a large number of applicants and they offered me the job after one interview.

Before they called with an offer, I found myself wishing I'd never gone on the interview and hoping they wouldn't offer it to me. These are bad signs. If you ever find yourself wishing NOT to be offered a job, your body or your mind (or both) are trying to tell you something.

They called me to offer the job. We really, really could have used the money at the time but I knew in my heart that I was too sick to take that job.

I asked them if I could think about it and call them back. My husband and I discussed it for about 15-20 minutes. (I didn't want to take any more of their time than that because I didn't want to hold up their hiring process).

My husband and I concluded that taking the job would be a bad idea. I called them back, thanked them for the offer, and turned it down. (I can't remember exactly how I worded things when I turned it down but I was just as polite as I could be).

In retrospect, I made a very smart decision not to take that job. It was difficult at the time. We REALLY could have used the money. However, in retrospect, I cannot imagine having taken that job. Years later, I wonder why I tortured myself so much over what now seems like an obvious decision.

I believe that anytime a person finds himself/herself wishing an opportunity had never come up... it's a sure sign that it's not meant to be.

So, please try not to beat yourself up about it.


P.S. If you replace the hours you were working with making your house perfect, you are not giving your body a break at all. So, please resist the urge to replace the hours you were working with trying to keep the "perfect" house. If you replace one job with another (paid or otherwise), you may not reap the benefits of working less hours to give your chronically ill body time to heal and get strong in preparation for trying to conceive. :)

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