Too long...

It's been far too long since I updated here, but things are rather crazy at the minute. I spent the past two weeks helping my parents finally move back into their house (I'm not sure I ever really mentioned the fact that last August my parents lost their house to a fire... but after many long months of rebuilding, they are finally home). It was good to see them home again, but stressful sorting through all the boxes that came back from the cleaners.

Anyway, within those two weeks I also stressed about my job interview (for a full-time management position - you know, the one I was stressing about in my last blog post?) Anyway, the night before I decided not to go and finally admitted to my family that my biggest dream (other than having a family of our own, of course) was to set up a business where I could stay home and create beautiful things to sell... like this. I was shocked, to say the least, when they all backed me up and told me to go for it because quite frankly I thought it was far too reckless and irresponsible of me to even think about doing something I might truly enjoy - ah, the fun of low self-esteem, eh?

Well, anyway, I have been thinking a lot about this and have decided to focus on an area close to my heart - paintings, knits and personalised gifts (e.g. baby vests and blankets) in pretty pastels and muted tones, as well as the odd household gift perhaps, but mostly aimed at new babies, expanding families and treating new mums to something special (maybe a new necklace or pair of earrings to remind her she is still a beautiful lady and not just a mum now). What do you think?

Of course, now I am confused as to where to source the fabrics from - I want good quality, of course, but I still want the end products to be affordable and so cannot go out and buy masses of expensive materials to craft with. Any ideas?

I must go, I am exhausted - a combination of stress, hayfever, changing hormones and forgetting to take my anti-depressants for a couple of days seems to have knocked me for six, so a nap may be in order. But I promise to write an update and post some pictures again soon.

Difficult decisions

I have an interview to go to on Wednesday and it is for an amazing opportunity. The problem is, I'm not so sure I want the job. Had I been offered the interview a couple of years ago I'd have been overjoyed, but I'm in a different place now and my heart feels heavy when I think of actually doing the job... in fact my heart feels heavy whenever I think of working full-time at all, because I feel like I have finally found myself in a position where I can slow down and move forward in my life in a more fulfilling way than working my way up the career ladder and if I were to take this great opportunity, I would lose the equally great opportunity to really be me...

Let me explain. This new job would be full-time management of a charity shop. It would be a fantastic opportunity, being within the charity sector and getting management experience at 26! But, my health has been so bad this past year or two and I have been so desperate to have a break that to lose this by rushing straight into a demanding job seems counter-productive. I am sick of feeling so ill and exhausted all the time.

But more than that - Tim and I had planned on having my coil out during the coming few months so that we could try for a baby after the wedding. I want to do this whilst out of work because my endo means I feel rubbish a lot anyway, but start messing with my hormones and I'm a wreck. I want a family, I've always wanted a family, and it is finally within my grasp... I can finally get excited about it and believe it is a possibility, not just a dream. If I take this job, I put this dream out of reach again because I want to do this in the best way for me, Tim and the baby (if we fall pregnant).

And even more than that - I want to be at home to provide for Tim... to cook meals, clean, keep house and make it a home rather than the resting place it has become with us both working full-time and commuting. If I take this job one of us will have to commute as Tim will be working in another town to the one this job is in. When I think about it I *know* that it is right to say no and follow my heart and dreams, but that is so scary, to turn my back on what I've been taught to believe (i.e. that I have to work hard every day, that we'll always struggle financially, that I cannot stay home etc).

It's a difficult decision and I actually wish I hadn't been offered the interview, but I guess life is about learning to follow your heart sometimes and that isn't always easy.

Leaving, Gifts and Time to Spare

I haven't posted here for a while... my final month at the Tourist Office passed in a blur and here I am, an "ex-member" of the tourism team and caught between feelings or relief and joy at finally having chance to rest up after the previous year and a half of health-hell and sheer sadness at leaving a place I loved to work, with colleagues I adored.

Just look at the lovely gifts they gave me...

Isn't the bear just the most adorable. And guess what was inside the pretty green and chocolate box... a beautiful necklace and bracelet (which I am currently wearing so have no photo of), bought because of my comment the previous weekend that I had no nice jewellery. Not only have my colleagues helped me buy my wedding dress and shoes (oh yes, I have, no sorry, had amazing colleagues who would take me shopping and even run out in a lunch break when I found the perfect wedding dress in the sales!), but they also buy me the perfect leaving gift. I shall miss them a lot *sniff sniff* and hope they take me up on the offer to come visit any time.

So, what am I going to do with my time now I am out of work? Well, this coming week I am going to be in Lincoln helping my parents move back in to their home (do you remember I told you about the fire in their house last August? Well, the house is finally finished and they are finally home once more, but have tons of boxes to unpack and new things to buy to replace those that were lost in the fire). I also have an interview on 31st for a managerial position in a local charity shop. Now that was a surprise - I only applied on the off-chance. And I don't quite know how I feel about it, I mean we could really do with the extra money it would bring in and it would be an amazing opportunity if I were offered the job, but I had just got used to the idea of having time off over this summer, getting my health together and really working on making a home before starting part-time work before trying for a family. Suddenly I feel like that has gone (if I get the job, of course), and I feel like I was this close to getting the life I dreamed of and it has been pulled from under my feet again. Does that sound crazy?

Anyway, to take my mind off these thoughts, I am going to spend the afternoon trying my hand at jewellery making as the necklace and bracelet have really inspired me to have a go myself. I'm also going to have fun trying my hand at the wonderful recipes in the book that I won in Louise's giveaway (thank you Louise, I promise to reply to your last email soon!)... it's a Christmas book but that won't stop me using it in Spring! Just look at how beautifully the package was when it arrived...

And look at the sumptuous book and beautiful little posy she sent me...

Why the posy, you ask... well just look at what is written underneath...

Do you see my name there? How wonderful!

So anyway, I'll try and post pictures of the finished products, and hope that this blog will really pick up again now that I have some more time to post about the projects we are undertaking. So do call back again soon.

Have a lovely Sunday

xx

The right choice

As mentioned in my previous post, Tim and I have been looking at the changes we are making in our lives to help us move forward with our dreams. Some dreams have been put on hold (regular holidays, a mortgage, driving lessons for me etc) for those that we truly want to pursue now (getting married, having a baby, getting my health better etc)

With this in mind, I have been scouring Amazon to try and find books that will help us to really plan for this major event in our lives (the having a baby one). There is a wealth of information out there, but I am trying to find things that help me understand how to optimise my chances of conceiving in relation to my Endometriosis. Being unable to make my mind up over the cheaper Amazon deals, I walked into our local bookshop and picked up a book to look through and see how helpful it was. And it's pretty good.

With just a quick flick through the book, the things that have highlighted themselves are reducing stress, eating well and making time for each other. This makes me realise, more than anything else, that the decisions we have made to enable me to cut back on work truly are the right ones. With more time at home, I will be able to focus on sleeping well, planning healthy meals with the best foods for us, and letting go of the stresses caused by working in a hectic environment as I do now. Even when I do return to work, it will be far less stressful... I know this, because I am hopefully returning to a job I previously did and my health was actually the best it had been for a long time during the year I worked there.

It is reassuring to have this book that reminds us that although times may be hard in some ways (finances, mostly), we will actually be far better off in so many ways. We just have to hope that we are one of the lucky ones and fall pregnant naturally, because I really do not want to even think about what comes after that.

Of course, this is still a while off. Our wedding is not until October and we are going to wait until after that to have my Mirena coil out (there is no way we want the wedding day to be ruined because I am having a bad period!!) This is, as well, a scary decision. I have had my coil in since 2005, so have no idea what my periods will be like when they return. I mean, I had pain enough before my most recent laparoscopy and I wasn't even having proper periods... when I remember the agony and exhaustion that came with my periods before 2005, I wonder if it will be as bad again. I hope not, especially as I will be starting to get more work around the time we have the coil taken out. Sometimes, although I know I am very, very lucky in so many ways, even in my health, I so hate that fact that Endometriosis can cause so much worry over a decision that should be such an exciting one... I mean, it still is exciting, but it is tinged with worry too.

But, we know that we are doing everything we possibly can to make this easier for both of us, and that is all that really matters. We can't second-guess the future and so we shouldn't really try. Living in the moment is hard, though, so you may get a few more posts like this over the next few months!!

What the future holds...

For a while now I have wondered where to take this blog, but it seems to me that I need to really focus on what is happening in our lives and use it as a real outlet, because right now big things are happening. And I do believe that this means the blog may turn far more towards a focus on endo, marriage and trying for a family than anything else... I hope this means I will make some new blogging friends with similar experiences, but without alienating any of my current readers!

Anyway, I better fill you all in on exactly what is going on. First things first, I finished the Synarel spray (used to induce a pseudo-menopause) just over a week ago, and things are interesting right now. I am constantly exhausted and I can only assume this is due to my hormones doing a rebalancing act. I've also had the odd day of bleeding (bright red) but nothing more, so I am warily waiting to see what happens.

I say "warily" because the whole point of trying the Synarel spray was to give my Mirena coil chance to really get going and help with the endo (my previous one stopped my periods, although didn't stop the endo growing back). I really want a few months of feeling good again, and for that reason I have given in my notice at work and shall be taking a few months out before returning to a previous job which is far more flexible. However, I am also wary because Tim and I are wanting to try for a family soon, and this means having the coil removed and who knows what "fun" that could bring.

The older I get, the harder it is to fight the maternal instinct that, for me, kicked in at a very young age. As a 9 year old, watching my mum work as a childminder, I knew that one day I wanted to be a parent myself. Growing up, I took opportunities to babysit and subsequently work in nurseries and day care, however in the previous year or two, especially since meeting Tim, the desire to start a family has really kicked in, spurred on by the fact that I am now old enough to consider it and that I am seeing friends and family having their own families too. It must also be mentioned that we are aware that the endo could well mean we could have difficulties falling pregnant and though we try not to worry about it, it is something we accept we may have to deal with one day soon.

Of course, to begin with, I was the only broody one of the two of us, but since our nephew was born Tim has caught the baby-bug too and we would like to think that after our wedding in October (my health permitting) we can think about trying for a family of our own. Scary, but exciting stuff. Especially when I watch things like "One Born Every Minute" - that's enough to make anyone want a baby!

This brings me on to another thing - money. We are not rich, far from it, and my coming out of work and considering part-time work only means money will only get tighter. It is the driving factor between us moving - if we ever want to be able to do this, then we need to live somewhere cheaper than in the commuter belt for our capital city. I have struggled with this, as I feel immense guilt at times for putting the pressure upon Tim to provide for us, yet I know that if we are ever to be able to have a family I will need to time to ensure I am strong and healthy and able to care for both myself and the baby. So the change is required. I just feel guilty about it.

So that's where I'm at... a hormonal wreck in some ways and struggling with the stress of changing towns, changing jobs, changing lives... many changes indeed. So I think this blog really will become far more of an outpouring of what is happening than anything truly constructive, so don't expect any well-thought-out posts any time soon!

Sacred Life Sunday - Love

Well, how could I miss the opportunity to write about love on Valentine's Day?

If you read my previous post you will have gathered that the past few weeks have been particularly taxing and needless to say I spent a fair few evenings crying. I cry a lot these days, and unlike in my past, when I would run away and hide, Tim will not let me do this and holds me tightly, even though I protest, until I calm down and know that I am safe. The amount of love that boy has for me is mind-blowing and I am just so blessed to have found him and know that I have the rest of my life to spend with him.

Take today for example. We don't have much money, that much must be obvious based on the decisions we are making to change this. But we wanted to do something special for Valentine's Day. So what are we doing? We're going to my favourite place in the world to walk amongst the Snowdrops - for me, it doesn't get any more romantic than that! Not only that, I came home from work to a beautiful cooked dinner, and watched Sharpe for the first time in my life (Tim is very good at finding things he knows I will love but would never consider watching on my own). And then this morning I am greeted with the sweetest card and a box of chocolates. It doesn't get much better than that.

I am someone who finds spending money we could use on something else very difficult. It comes from years of having to budget, sometimes not even eating enough, to to get by. Sometimes the work we choose, especially the ones that help others, pay such a meagre wage, but we must be happy and I am one of those people who would rather be poor and happy in my work, than sitting at a desk all day... I'm just not able to do it, and it is why I hated university so much. I am a do-er, pure and simple.

So anyway, my experience means I am an excellent budgeter and I cannot abide spending money when we could do things cheaper. Take our wedding for example... so far I have a wedding dress for £60, two bridesmaids dresses for £56 each, a venue for around £100, the legal wedding for £60, a cousin doing our evening disco, a friend taking our photographs, my uncle lending us his Bentley, my mum making invites and myself planning flowers and decorations. Our biggest spend will be the catering, for we cannot cut back on that, but I do believe our wedding may be one of the cheapest ones, to say we are aiming for have about 80 guests - and this is exactly how I want it. Our wedding is about our love for each other and making it unique - how much more unique can I be when it follows our principles and we make so much of it ourselves?

This doesn't mean I don't value the chance to buy things, I know sometimes you have to or just want to buy. Recently I made up a gift package to send to a fellow blogger and with postage costs it came to more than I spent on Tim for Valentine's - but you know what, when I told him (for we are nothing but honest with each other), he told me that he loved me because I love others enough to be so generous. And likewise, when it comes to Tim, I will work hard and go without so that he and I can live the life we want, together. And I do this happily. Love is the most important thing for us, being in love and being together, and I am so blessed that he feels this way too.

Love, it is a funny thing. It means so many things to so many people. Even to one person it means so much. To me it means both putting aside your own feelings for the benefit of the whole as well as knowing when to stand up and say something you know will hurt the other short-term, but comes from the love you have and want them to have more peace in the long-term. It is being able to love all those around you in ways unique to them, from the adoring love I share with Tim, to the gentle love I gave a scared cat, from the admiring love I give to those who support me to the encouraging love I give to a difficult child... so may aspects and sometimes painful as well as joyous, but I would not want to live my life without feeling love in all its ways.

I do hope you are having a wonderful Valentine's and that there is love surrounding you today

Amanda xx

Fighting talk

Sorry about an error in my previous post. Due to the flu or some other nasty bug I have caught I was not really with it and have not yet changed it. For more info and to hear all about the "win" with the article, please do visit Jeanne's blog!

Now for something else...

Tim and I sadly left number 22 at the weekend and I feel very displaced right now. I am exhausted from the move, stressed because of what is happening at work (restructures and all that), fed up of filling in application forms and annoyed to have gone down with some nasty bug of some sort. I should have seen it coming... my parents and Tim told me Sunday night I looked terribly ill and I felt like death itself but I still got up and went to work and sat in 16 degrees celcius all day (brrrrr) and then went to work on Tuesday and sat through 26 degrees celcius (bleugh) and then spent my day off on Wednesday filling in application forms and tidying up and all of this on top of the fact that I could not find my HRT patches and so had not worn one since Monday night (watch out, hormonal, chemically induced menopausal woman on the rampage) and now realised I had no idea where my new strip of anti-depressant tablets were....

So guess what happened. Tim shouted, I burst into tears and became a manic, frantic searching machine and cried and cried and cried... oh it was awful. I haven't done that since before I started these tablets. What a mess...

Life is hard, you know. Sometimes it downright sucks. I realised this once again whilst standing in the shower that night and remembered that I needed to get back to writing again and find that spark of life I had started to reclaim these past few months. I needed to retrace my steps, do more Reiki, pray more, sleep more, do what makes me happy, and plan for the future I always dreamed of.

Life is hard, and sometimes you fight back with all you've got until you can fight no more and even then you feel guilty for not fighting harder and longer. That's when you sometimes need to stop fighting more than anything else in the world and just let it happen. That's when you find some kind of peace, sometimes. Sometimes the real fight is with yourself and your "conscience", or whatever that guilt you feel seems to pass itself for these days. Just sometimes you need to let go...

I haven't got there yet, I've still got some fight, but my tactics are changing ever so slightly. I'm heading back to filling in application forms, but every once in a while I am stopping to create. 22 may be no more, but the dream lives on. I shall fight for it my entire life and one day I will win.

Readers' Panel

Following on from my previous post, the chapters for the first book are all planned and I am so excited as I get to grips with expanding them all in reality as well as figuring out the chapters for the following two books (if all goes to plan). It is exciting, though sometimes hard not to fall into skimming over the details in order to get to the more juicy bits of storyline...

For this reason, I am considering setting up a Readers' Panel - a group of people who I can rely on to read through a few chapters at a time, giving me their feedback on whether the characters and environment are "real", if the amount of detail is enough and more than anything else, whether it is enjoyable.

Tim is my only reader at the moment and I will more than likely draft in my sister and a couple of friends from my real-life world, however I realise these people may be "biased" and want a wider spectrum of people to read through it. With this is mind, I would like to open up this post to comments from any of my blog readers who have an interest in becoming one of my Readers' Panel... if you're interested, leave a comment saying so!

Of course, there are a few requisites:

• The story is based in a fantasy world, so you will need to have an interest in reading a story that includes magic and Gods
• I need to have known you for a while (i.e. you've commented on here several times) so that I know you are not going to run off with the story and make it your own
• You need to be prepared to give constructive criticism as well as praise - I need to know how I am doing as a writer, not just as "a friend"
• You need to be aware that the story will come in several stages, updated as I progress through the chapters, which dependent upon my time restrictions may be several weeks/months between one part of the story and the next (that means you may have to be patient!!)

I'm a little scared of putting my work "out there" like this, but realise that if I am ever to live my dream of writing for an audience then I have to take this jump into the unknown at some point. I'll see how much of a response I get to this post and then figure out if and how I will create this Readers' Panel and then email anyone who was interested with the details (which means I will need your email address if you sign up).

Right now though I am off to write some more... my weekend has been eaten up by wedding planning and packing boxes ready for our move and I want to make the most of the few hours I have left. Hope you've all had a wonderful weekend xx

December 21st

Today's post is rather late on account of it being the Winter Solstice. It seems so long ago that Tim and I decided we'd have this day off to celebrate, especially as we will only have half of Christmas Day together. We started the day with a lazy morning (despite being rudely awoken at 5.30am by his alarm, which he had forgotten to turn off). We had a scrumptious breakfast of bacon, eggs and beans on toast, followed by the watching of It's a Wonderful Life whilst sitting by an open fire.

I may have mentioned having watched this film already this year, but it is one of my all-time favourite films and I could watch it over and over again (although I had to fast-forward the part where Uncle Billy lost the money as Tim couldn't cope with that part - it really is a sad part and one where I really want to shout at Mr. Potter and all those men like him in our world, so I can understand why he didn't want to watch that part!) Anyway, I have managed to watch all but 3 of my Christmas favourites - The Bishop's Wife, The Polar Express and The Wizard of Oz... the latter has to be watched on Christmas Eve, as explained in this previous post, and The Polar Express has to be watched before Christmas Eve but not too far in advance, but the Bishop's Wife may have to wait until one of the days after Christmas... isn't it funny how we have these habits and traditions which may seem so strange to others but make perfect sense to us. I have to say though, I haven't done too badly to say I have watched nearly all my Christmas favs, some of them more than once this year *ahem*

The rest of our afternoon was spent making mince pies, adding dried fruit and crushed nuts to make the mincemeat spread even further... we then celebrated the Winter Solstice by burning our wishes for the coming year on the fire, taking the lit advent candle out into the snowy garden and eating a mince pie fresh out the oven, before scurrying back inside to the warmth of the fire. It is only just dying down after a day of burning happily for us. The rest of this evening is going to be spent watching Gremlins a film that terrified me beyond words as a child but which amuses me now - it is the closest thing to a Christmas film I can get Tim to watch as he claims one film a day is his quota. We have this running argument that I watch far more of his favourite films and tv shows than he does mine (his argument being he has watched films like Ladies in Lavender and that my films are "girly" whereas his films are ones would enjoy, seen as though I like sci-fi and adventure... hmmm seems to me watching Aliens was a little beyond what I would like to watch, but he still refused to watch that little girl's all-time favourite Dirty Dancing last night, so I think I have a way to go yet in twisting his arm! We have a deal though this year... if I can watch my favourite films he can watch the Star Wars Trilogy over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day - sound fair to you? It does to me...

December 16th

One of the things I love most about Christmas are the memories we make and the traditions we create for ourselves. I can remember things from nearly every single Christmas, like when my mum forgot she had puts some eggs on to boil and they exploded in the kitchen, or the time I went to church and sang in the choir and saw all the little kids playing on their new bikes out in the street on the way, or the year I only thought to write to Santa on Christmas Eve so he didn't have time to get what I asked for, and left me a note promising to bring it next year, or even the time I had the flu... believe it or not, despite it being my worst Christmas ever (I went to bed on Christmas Eve feeling fine and then couldn't bear the sight or smell of food or any light for the whole of Christmas Day), I still remember things like my mum sharing her maltesers with me in an attempt to get me to eat anything! There's always a memory to be had, even in the worst of times!

And the traditions... one year my parents were watching the film Cliffhanger and, being the empathic wuss that I am, I had to go out after the lady fell off the rope (that still makes me shudder). Lucky for me, the Wizard of Oz was playing on another channel and I watched that. The year after it was shown again and from that moment I have had to watch this film every Christmas Eve (usually at 9pm, because that means it finishes in perfect time for me to go to bed!) And then there is good old Jim Reeves... my dad loves Jim Reeves and Christmas morning, unwrapping our presents would not be the same without his crooning, and I have some songs ready on Spotify (my new best friend) ready for Christmas Day. And Christmas morning would not be the same without something special for breakfast... unfortunately this year Tim is working Christmas morning, so I won't see him until the afternoon when, I hope, I will greet him with a festive feast to fill us to bursting... this will be our third Christmas together, but only our second living together, so we have yet to create any firm traditions of our own, but I know that with every year we spend together these will come.

So tell me, what memories and traditions do you have for Christmas?

We interrupt this blog...

...to tell you about the wonderful Christmas feeling I just got upon hearing the faint sound of children singing Little Donkey somewhere in the neighbourhood. I ran to the window, opened it wide and listened with joy to the happy, excited voices of a children's choir singing one of the most beautiful Christmas songs - heaven. And they were really good, too!

There can't be anything more magical than being a child at Christmas. I remember the wonder and joy I felt as Christmas neared - the singing of songs that told of a tale that happened so long ago I couldn't even begin to comprehend, the opening of the Advent calendar, counting down the days until Santa arrived, indeed laying in bed, being as quiet as a mouse and not daring to get up to go to the toilet in case he was downstairs and I scared him away before he left them all (hehe, I was a funny child), and waking up in the morning, waiting for my mum to come and tell me it was ok to get up, it really was morning, and sneaking a peek into the living room to look at all the gifts before going for breakfast in my parent's bedroom with just one gift to open before we ate...

I remember making decorations and hanging them up with pride, the Christmas nativity we put on for the parents and dressing in tinsel, then watching a Disney film whilst waiting for my mum to come and take me home, and even more I remember making cards and presents for Santa, Mrs. Claus, the Elves and the Reindeer, for after all they worked so hard to bring us all presents, I thought they deserved some presents too! But, alas, that magic is harder and harder to find these days. The magic gets overshadowed by commitments, whether it be studying, working or keeping house, doing the laundry or the weekly shop, working out the finances and realising you can't buy so-and-so the best gift EVER and then trawling through the net to find the second-best-gift-EVER at a much more reasonable price (don't you just love the internet?)

This year I feel the magic for the first time in a few years... I don't know what it is, perhaps it is the fact that after months and months of being so on-edge and down-hearted that feeling this cheerful seems magical in itself. Maybe it is the hope that this is the start of new and better things. Maybe it is even the fact that with my Advent series I can feel the magic of wonder and excitement I used to have and am looking forward to many more years of this as we grow older and have children around us... and maybe, just maybe, it is because Christmas really is magical and I am finally remembering that.

We interrupt this post... because... whilst my window was open to listen to "Jingle Bells" as the children went further on their way, I heard such a clatter and turned to find Kitty was jumping through it and she has been sat beside me, on top of me, nudging me and purring in my ear to get my attention and I think it is time she got some, don't you?

Don't forget to scroll down to the next post for today's video poem xx

Whatever happened to just being happy?

For those of you who have followed my blog due to endometriosis connections, I am sure you will understand the following blog post, for those of you who have not been affected by endo, I hope you won't see this post as a simple "moan" or "attack", it is simply a truthful expression of how I feel, right now.

These past few weeks have been tough on both me and Tim, and I cannot ever remember crying so much for so long. This past year has really taken it out of me and I feel ready to break, in fact I think I already have broken a little bit, based on the amount of tears that have spilled recently. And these aren't just my own, for poor Tim has had to try and console me, knowing that there was nothing he could really do to make things better. I am battling a "invisible condition" that even I forget is there making me feel so rubbish sometimes... sometimes I forget and think it is all my fault, that if only I could just pull myself together things wouldn't be so bad.

It all started about a month ago when suddenly my urge to have children turned up a gear. A friend at work told me she had dreamt I was pregnant, and then I dreamt we had a baby, two nights running... except the baby wasn't quite ours and we weren't prepared to look after it (as in we didn't have any equipment, feed etc, not that we didn't want to!) This sparked a whole rush a emotions, such as "I want children, now" and "what if we leave it too late to try and find the endo causes more damage and we can't have children?" and "I'm already feeling so ill now, how will my body cope with being pregnant?" and "what if this is all pointless worrying, what if we already can't have children?"... and so on and so forth. I began to get really depressed about how my lifelong dream of having children was becoming a nightmare - why should something so wonderful become a decision that has to be made based more on the best time healthwise and whether we have enough finances, rather than that we actually want children? Why does endo (and all those other factors that affect people's lives) have to screw things up?

As the weeks went on I got more and more exhausted. My immune system is low due to exhaustion and fatigue (I cannot count the times I have fallen asleep on the bus to work because I am so tired). I am working full-time, commuting which puts my days up to 12 hours out of the house and I am angry that I am doing something any healthy person would find hard, whilst trying to battle feeling ill all at the same time. When did society get so messed up that my generation is worse off than the one before? Why is no choice hidden behind a so-called "free-choice"... no woman really has a choice whether to work or not, it's not that easy. Most women have to work just to survive, and those who can come out of work have to make many sacrifices just to do so... whatever happened to family values (and by that I mean simply being able to put the family first, not having to).

All this was happening whilst a cold caught hold of me... a cold that just will not go away, dragging at my very little energy until I have none left and feel like I just cannot go on any longer. I fear for what damage I could do by pushing myself so far beyond my limits, yet I have no choice when I have to work just to pay the rent. We have no choice, Tim and I, we have to fight on. But what happens when you just cannot fight any longer?

We are left with dying hopes that our appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow may come up with some solutions for us. I cannot take feeling this low any longer, and I cannot take knowing the adverse effects my mood has on Tim. We are a young couple and life should be fun, not a struggle every day. My manager asked me in my performance review where I saw myself heading and what aspirations I had for the future... I've been told a few times I'm not ambitious enough, but you know what, my greatest ambitions are to be healthy and to have a family, what is wrong with that? Why do we have such a focus on careers and achievements and "having it all"... whatever happened to just being happy?

I know this feeling is, in the big scheme of things, only momentary and that things will get better, but it becomes harder and harder to hold on to that hope when each day just drags us down that little bit further. I grasp desperately at solutions, but none of them work and the guilt that I feel for putting so much pressure on Tim and myself to make our lives easier is unfair to us both. Sometimes I wish we just had a fairy godmother who could come and wave her wand and make everything better... please think of us tomorrow as we head to the hospital for our appointment, for the gynaecologist is our one hope of finding a solution the root of this whole mess - the endo!

Life's too short

A very dear friend of mine died last week. She was still very young, with a teenage son, and leaves behind her many people saddened by the loss.

Yet every single one of those people are so thankful to have crossed paths with her and been blessed with the beautiful friendship she was always so ready and willing to offer. Despite being in unimaginable pain at times, she always managed to reach out a hand of love and comfort to others, no matter who they were or how they had met, and she was a true inspiration to many.

Indeed, when I held a "writer's group" a couple of years back to encourage others to find the joy in writing, she was so overwhelmed and overjoyed by the freedom she found in realising that every writer has their own "ingredients" and makes their own "recipes"... one person may make a fantastic carrot cake but struggle with a chicken curry, whilst two people may make chocolate brownies and each have different people enjoy theirs best, despite them being so similar. She was a real inspiration to me as I led this group and I cannot tell you how beautiful some of the things she wrote were.

I only ever got to meet her once in person, as we met and kept in touch online for the most part. But that one weekend I spent in her company was so wonderful - I don't think I've ever laughed so hard, nor enjoyed such a "lazy" weekend. Spiritually she was a wonder, and inspired me in that way too: the videos she posted online and the pictures she created were astounding, so full of love and light.

Amazingly I didn't cry when I found out she had passed, despite having cried so desperately every day for about a week previously. In fact the day she died was the first day I didn't cry, which may seem strange to you, but to me it makes perfect sense... she was so full of love, the inspiration I felt when thinking back upon her life filled me with a quiet peace rather than sadness. Of course I was sad, don't get me wrong, but I was filled with love for her and what she meant to so many people.

I will miss her terribly, especially as I had wanted to go back and spend another weekend with her and invited her to our wedding so that she could meet Tim as well, but I know she will be with us in spirit. Even now she is inspiring me, as I realise that life really is too short to spend worrying... life is for living and we should never forget that, for she never did!!

My previous blog was called "Dream of Living"... seeing that title every time I logged on reminded me to keep hold of my dreams. I lost that sight for some time and my dreams began to be shunned for all manner of "responsibilities" and things... but now I feel it is time to reclaim them and really strive to fulfil them all.

Darling Josie, you were an inspiration to me throughout our friendship and I thank you for inspiring me still. I do not know what way my dreams will take me, but I know that I am now ready to grab hold and live the dream, right here, right now.

Frozen by fear

The last couple of weeks something BIG has come into my thoughts. This something BIG is an aspect of life I have been looking forward to since a very young age (I'd say I became aware of it when I was about 9). It is something I trusted I would get when I got older, something I wanted so much that it directed my career and life choices. It is something I never thought would be a hard decision to make once I reached a certain age... but here I am and the decision is so hard!

When you're little you never worry about money, health and all those other factors that come in to major life choices. Heck, even as short a time back as 2 years when I chose to move to Cambridge to live with Tim I didn't think about these things... and life got tough! The last two years have been so trying for us, but so special in so many ways (I know just how deep our love is for each other now). However the troubles we've had financially and the difficulties with my health have made me rethink so many things, and often through fear.

I now feel completely paralysed from the fear of what "may" happen. This is nothing new to me as I was very timid as a child and wanted to stay in my safe little box forever. Once I learnt to push my boundaries I decided that however tough it may get, it was all worth it. But now there is not just myself to think about, but others too. How will my decisions affect those in my life. These are big decisions and I can't make them just for me.

Yet there is a part of me that is aching so much for the thing I have wanted for so many years that I can't bear it. I want to say "stuff it" and just go for my dream. This isn't helped by the fact that I feel fearful that there may be problems ahead due to my health and that also my job may not be very secure due to the current climate. There are far too many variables for me to worry about and I wish I could just shut the negatives out long enough to listen to the real positives.

That is why I am going to see a hypnotherapist this weekend. I have wanted to try this for a couple of years, knowing how fear has directed my life from about the age of 9 as well (weird, huh) and that however much logic I put to the fears they still grab hold of me and shake sometimes. I am fed up of living in fear and want to live for now. I must say, seeing the film "UP" the other day really brought this home... if I let circumstance stop me from having my dream, I may live my whole life never knowing it. And although I will experience other amazing things, this one dream is so important I do not want to forsake it.

Until then, my thoughts continue to be occupied (or plagued) by the decision that lies ahead...

Long time no blog...

Ok, I think maybe changing my old blog to a new joint blog was a bit of a let down... I felt too pressurised to find something "joint" to talk about, rather than just writing about whatever came into my head as I did on the old one and Tim, well Tim just seemed to forget all about it - bless!

So what's new, you ask! Well...

1. My parents' house is still without a roof thanks to the insurance company holding up the rebuild after the fire. I went up to Lincoln to see them last week and saw both the house and the damage, plus their temporary accommodations - both very strange to get used to. It's bizarre walking through the home you grew up in and seeing it in such a damaged way and reminds me just how lucky my family were that it happened in the early evening rather than at night when the fumes would have consumed them - so grateful!!

2. I've been busy making things for both Christmas and the new baby (our nephew-to-be) - lots of fun but also very hard to fit in around the long working days. I also wrote and painted a poem for a colleague's retirement party, which made me remember how much I love writing and making things.

3. Tim's car failed it's MOT (well it was 16 years old!!) so we now have almost exactly the same car, only now it is white instead of dark blue and 3 years younger - very hard to get used to the "same, same but different" feel of it.

4. The neighbourhood cat that comes in to have cuddles and kisses with us (but never really wants to eat anything we give her!) almost got our hamster the other day *gasp* - I ran upstairs after thinking she'd gone quiet (I was busying crocheting a bootee at the time) and she shot across the room from the cage to the cupboard - naughty Kitty!! The ext day the hamster (who thinks he's a lemming) leapt off the sofa and ran so fast I didn't know where he had gone and it took us 10 minutes of frantic searching to find him under the stairs behind the shoe rack... panic over!

5. The rest of my time has been taken up by worrying: how will we ever pay off the last bit of debt, save up for a wedding, have enough money to live and have kids, will my health suffer when we decide to have kids and I take the coil out and the endo has free reign, will I have to work full-time just to afford to have kids when I'd much rather stay home with them, should Tim really have to support me though... etc etc etc... boy I am and always have been one of the world's worst (or greatest) worriers. It does me no good, however, and I am currently trying to trust in "the plan" and give up my worries to God (or fate or whatever you like to call it, or not, whichever the case may be. Quite frankly I don't know who I think is in charge of "the plan" but it certainly isn't me and for once that makes me happy!)

So yeah, that's about where we're at. Things at work are *ahem* interesting... we've moved, so many people are complaining about this and that, the recession is biting butts etc, same thing as everywhere and it's tiring as anything... but my colleagues are wonderful, and I have a job ... so who can complain?

Anyway better go, have to go to work now and will miss my bus if I don't run soon
Have a wonderful day, all xx

Weddings

Ok I have been a bad blogger... I have left this poor new blog alone for far too long. But how can a girl think of blogging when all her online time is spent researching dresses, colour themes and all other wonderful wedding planning?? Since T popped the big question, my mind has been occupied with working out what I want, who I want to be there and how the day might go - poor old boy! My dad mentioned he had unleashed a monster and that our first dance should be Monster by The Automatic (thanks Dad). But then I thought, why shouldn't I blog about this, seen as though this blog is about our life together... what bigger part of our lives could there be than marriage (well of our lives so far, anyway)? So without further ado I shall leave you with some images of my current inspiration - enjoy...

Roma - beautiful, romantic Roma

We recently went to Rome for one of my best friend's wedding - it began at 4.30, then after the ceremony and a few drinks we headed to the beach for sunset photos.. how romantic!

I have never, ever eaten so much in my entire life as we ate at the wedding, let alone in Rome itself... the Italians sure love their food, and why not when it tastes sooooo good!

We spent the rest of our time there running round, trying to see as much as possible, which was

a LOT!! You can tell just how hot it was by hot tired I look in most of the photos...

We saw the Vatican...

the baths at Caracalla...

the Colosseum...

the palatine and house of Augustus...

the Roman forums...

and so much more. We even saw lots of TIM...

TIM was everywhere...

But I liked my Tim the best... especially when he proposed...

of course I said YES!!

Now I just have to save up some money and decide what kind of wedding I actually want (now that it is real and not a dream it's quite hard to decide... I hope it will be as beautiful as my friend's wedding!!)

We can't have it on a beach...

But it will be romantic... how could it not after such a romantic engagement?

NB: more photos and tales will follow, I promise, when I manage to get them uploaded

Painting from the Heart

I haven't really done any painting for years and even then I only dabbled a bit here and there. I did art GCSE but only covered the basics and although I have always been inspired by the work of others, the written word was always my medium.

But lately I have felt "stuck". I just couldn't write like I used to and certainly couldn't find the place in my heart where inspiration lived. I was so busy trying to write what I thought other people would like that it became a chore.

This is a pattern I follow in my life too: too little self-worth makes me try to please others far more than pleasing myself and enjoying who I am. Embarrassed by my dreams and interests I hide them away and then tear myself apart emotionally when the life I create for myself does not live up to those same dreams.

So, last night I decided to take Tim's advice and do something purely for the pleasure of it. I started by watching a documentary about teenage parents, which led me to watch some videos on YouTube of birth (I have always had a massive interest in pregnancy, birth and the beginning of life) and I felt something inside me stirring... that's when the sketches at the start of this post came into being.

I wanted to explore the beauty of life, rather than the mundane, everyday grind which can get us down so often. Moments of joy that will last in our memories forever. Birth is one such moment. Nurturing a child is another. And so the first in a series of paintings, brought straight from the heart, developed. And here is the finished product.

Well, I say finished... I haven't decided yet whether to paint a background or not. I'm really rather pleased with how it came out - I love the simplicity of it and am astounded that I managed to actually get some shading in there. I'm starting to think that maybe, by doing something I love, I might even create things other people will love too. What do you think?

"Hi" from Tim

Hello. Im the one who will dig up usfeul (and not so) useful info and stories. I love any thing mysterious and fortean (look it up !) and I am also a bit of a nerd when it comes to certain subjects.

For some reason, like most men, I have lots of random bits of information in my head which pops out and must be said to the confusement of others: its said a little bit of information is a dangerous thing - in my case its not dangerous just annoying . (edit by Amanda - VERY annoying when said information is given by interrupting me in mid-conversation!!)

So I hope to post useful stuff as well as such as recipes and how to's . Im gonna start collecting bits and peices so by the time I come back I will have a dearth of recipes and info (or maybe one recipe and a how to) so cin cin to you all for now .

Introducing...

For those of you who know me from my previous blog, Dream of Living, thanks for joining us over here at our new home on the internet! For everyone else - thanks for taking the time to pop by and meet us.

I, Amanda, have been blogging for several years now but I always seemed to lose direction and coherence. My posts would ramble on in random directions and I would go for long stints without posting anything at all. I would write about what I thought was "readable" and hold the things I longed to share back in notebooks and conversations with Tim.

These conversations led to Tim deciding he'd like to take an active part in my blog and the idea to start a joint one and have a fresh start was a real buzz. But what would we blog about? I love

to sing, write, and create and Tim loves to take photographs, listen to me sing and ask me what it is I am creating. He is the one who brings me back down to earth when my creativity takes full hold of me and I forget that life doesn't always work the way I want it to, whilst still encouraging me to let it all out and share it with others. So that's what we're going to do. I will create and Tim will record, ask questions and share with you all the random knowledge he has (which is staggering really when I think just how much random knowledge he possesses!)

Me and You is about our life together - we only started on this journey such a short time ago and already it has thrown us many twists and turns to deal with. Yet here we are, at number 22, loving the life we have chosen. Join us as we try to figure out all the "adult" things in our life - paying the rent, keeping house, growing vegetables and keeping the weeds at bay. And enjoy with us the fruits our of labours - the days off, the garden, the times with friends and the things we create.

And if you want a list of what's to come, here's a little teaser:

• Projects around the house and garden
• Videos of singing, crafts and more
• Stories and poems to read (and listen to)
• Photos to admire (and print if you like)
• Giveaways and prizes (when we're feeling really generous!)

Oh, and a little smidgen of madness too!