The end of a decade

I keep forgetting that this New Year's Eve signals the end of this first decade in the 21st century... for all that I keep thinking "I'll be glad to see the end of 2009", I realise that the past ten years have perhaps been the most changeable in my life, so let's look back...

2000 was a year of realisation for me - I took my GCSEs that year and for the first time realised how academic I was. It was the year I changed my plans to become a teacher to follow the advice of others and go to University, changing my career path from the one I had thought I would follow for many years. This was good and bad and I still see both sides of this decision - it really was a significant year. It was also the year I wrote a poem that made me realise that I had progressed from a child who wrote well for her age to someone who wrote well full stop... this would lead me to where I am today, eventually...

2001 was the year I developed a bit more independence, I went on my first holiday without adults to take me, as my friend and I travelled across England to visit a friend in Wales by train. I was still a very shy teenager, getting more and more fearful of the day I would have to leave home and strike my way in the world alone, but I knew I still had some time to enjoy having more freedom but still no real responsibilities - life was good.

2002 was the year I stopped working. I sat in class for the first time in my life, bored, uninterested and I was miserable. I think this was the first time I ever felt truly depressed and it followed a long period of illness (I know today that long bouts of illness, particularly of the hormonal kind, really do affect my ability to keep going emotionally, but then I just felt lost and alone.) I beat myself up a lot that year, and for many years to come, and did things I would never normally do. I lost friends, and strained my relationship with family, but gained the knowledge that those who truly love me would love me no matter how much I pushed them away. It was a hard year.

It was also the year I started university and spent the last 3 months of the year trying to fit in and make friends. I found that hard, but it also changed me forever. I became more confident, I began to see I could survive in the adult world. I learnt a lot about myself, and I realised that the future was not so bleak as I thought it might be... my depression lifted. It was also the year I made new friendships that continue to delight me to this day.

And it was the year I went abroad with friends rather than family for the first time. This was hard, yet exciting. Yes, 2002 was a pivotal year for me, hence 3 paragraphs on it!

2003 was the year I finally began to fit in to university. It was the year I realised I had earnt my place there. It was also the year I first visited Russia - interesting, to say the least. And it was the year my poetry truly began to flow and become more beautiful and thoughtful. It was also the year I began to move away from organised religion (having only really spent a couple of years in it) and turned back to my roots in spirituality, developing a keener interest in delving deeper to understand my faith, rather than simply having it... sometimes this is good, sometimes not so good, but it is a journey I enjoy, and which has introduced me to so many wonderful people I never would have met otherwise. It was the year I discovered the world of internet forums.

It was also the year I first went on camp to look after teenage girls with disabilities. I discovered a whole new passion for life and wished that summer could have gone on forever.

2004 was the year I went to Germany. I developed deep and lasting memories of my time there, from how timid I was to how brave I became, from how I worried constantly about my language to speaking freely and not worrying whether I made mistakes or not, from wanting to give something back to society to being involved with a voluntary organisation I adored. It was the year I began to question whether all the information I had gathered relating to spirituality would really stand in my way to living this sort of life always... I still wonder about that one.

It was also the year I realised I could write about anything at all, and I did just that. Napkins, envelopes, scraps of paper here and there became covered in thoughts, ideas, poems and stories. It was a year of flowing creativity in which I found inspiration everywhere, I lost that for a while but it is finally starting to come back.

2005 was the year I went to Russia and was one of the hardest of my life. I battled depression and mood swings due to hormonal medication I took whilst there. I battled these whilst being in a country so foreign to me, with a complete loss of confidence in my language ability and the constant fear of what my landlady would do next. It was also the year I turned 21.

It was the year I had my first laparoscopy and finally found out that I had endometriosis after years of suffering agonising pain and being ignored and sometimes embarrassed by the doctors. It was, however, a hideous experience which put me off hospitals in a big way and made the next three months of my life hell. It was the last time I had a proper period. It was a strange year.

It was also the year I started my final year at university, on which 80% of my entire degree rested. It was the year I chose to focus on more on what I wanted, and the year I began to see how strong I could be. I became an administrator on an internet forum and devoted so much of my time to the site. I learnt HTML and began to read blogs. I also began my Reiki training this year.

2006 was the year I graduated and finally felt free - now I could choose my own destiny (or so I thought at the time!) It was a year when the lecturers went on strike and nobody knew how it would affect their final year, but I no longer cared. It was the year I started work and realised I hated my job... it was the year I chose to leave one job and start doing something I loved - the year I started working in childcare.

It was also the year I first moved to Cambridge and struggled to make ends meet - the first time I had struggled, despite my careful budgeting. It was the year I developed IBS and an intolerance to wheat, too much dairy and foods high in fibre.

And it was the year I first began a blog! I didn't know what I was doing or where it was going, but it was fun and since then I have dreamt more and more of how it would develop and I truly hope that this coming year may see some of those dreams become reality...

2007 was the year that I met Tim!! Tim, the love of my life, brought me so much hope and happiness and became my best friend. We had a slow blossoming romance but once it moved from friendship to more we quickly realised this was it - by 2008 we would be living together.

It was the year I began a job I loved - note-taking and support work at the University, a job that suited me perfectly and which I hope to perhaps return to in the near future. It was the year I began to think my dreams were all becoming reality. I wrote stories that gained great reviews online, I had the perfect partner and life was my oyster...

2008 was the year when my world came crashing down around me. It began so happily by setting up home with Tim but quickly went to pot as he lost his job and I struggled to make ends meet and eventually had to leave childcare (despite having the chance to go almost straight to the top of the career ladder) because of ill-health and finances. I suffered terribly with first labyrinthitis and then with my endo, leading the doctors to put me into a fake menopausal state which screwed me up royally...

It was, however, a beautiful year when I saw Tim start a new career he loved and I found out I did have the potential to work in a challenging environment and be a leader. It was hard, but we survived.

2009 was the hardest year yet... after months of being terribly ill I had an operation for my endo and am currently going through yet another "fake menopause". It all got on top of me (the feeling ill all the time, the financial strain, the pressures of work) and I became more depressed than ever before, crying for hours almost every night. It was a year of challenge for us both.

It was the year my parents house burnt down due to an electrical fault in the loft - the year they were lucky it happened during the evening and not at night as the fire alarm didn't go off. It was the year my childhood home went up in flames and I could do nothing to help my family as they lived too far away. It was a year of feeling helpless...

But it was also a good year in many ways. We got to live in a beautiful house in an amazing neighbourhood. We spent time with loved ones we hadn't seen in ages. We went to Italy for a wedding and Tim proposed to me whilst we were there. We began to plan for our future, thinking not only of our own house and having more time together but also about a family of our own, especially after the birth of our nephew. It was a year of looking forward and finding hope once more... it was a year of decisions

So what will 2010 and the coming decade bring us? Well, my dad will retire in February, giving us more time to see him enjoy his life. We will be leaving Cambridge to return to Lincoln and set up home in a place we hope to be for the next 5 - 10 years. We hope it will bring more time to spend at home and with that improved health. Perhaps by this time next year we may be married or looking forward to starting a family. Within the next decade at least we hope to be married, in our own home, raising a family in the perfect way for us... it will be an amazing decade, with so many changes and I hope that you will continue to pop by and visit us from time to time, let's hope I'll still be blogging in 10 more years when we can see how many of these things came to pass.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year and look forward to keeping in touch with you all throughout 2010. xx

Christmas Day!!!

It's Christmas Day - yippee! It doesn't feel much like Christmas, for I woke to an empty house this morning, rather than one full of family and excitement. Tim is working at the hospital until 3pm, so I got up, ate my Christmas breakfast treat (a wheat-free bagel) and watched Heidi on tv - oh how I love the book, and the film was quite magnificent too.

The phone has been busy for the past hour, calling family to wish them a Merry Christmas, and the kettle is boiling to make me a nice hot drink to enjoy whilst preparing the Christmas dinner - duck this year. Our presents are peeping out from under the tree and I cannot wait for Tim to get home so that the festivities can start properly. It will be a short day, as he is due back at work at 7am tomorrow morning, but it will be ours to spend together. Christmas Day has become a very quiet day for us, closing ourselves of from the world to just enjoy each other's company. I know that our future Christmasses will be full of family and friends, so I do try to enjoy this time as best I can, even though they seem quite small at times... after all Christmas is about loved ones and who do I love more than my darling?

My parents will be arriving tomorrow morning for another quiet get-together, which I am ever so excited about, and who knows, by this time next year we may be surrounded by family on the big day itself... so much to hope for the future and so many memories to think back upon from Christmasses past... but for today I am focussing just on the here and now, for I have my loved one coming home to spend the most special day of the year with me. I do hope you have your special ones close to you too, today.

Have a wonderful Christmas, one and all. Thank you for popping by this blog over the past month, I hope to see you all in the very near future. But for now, be merry and glad and enjoy the magic of Christmas.

xx

Christmas Eve is here at last!

I do hope you have been good and will be going to bed early tonight in hopes that Santa will visit you with lots of gifts. I cannot believe it is Christmas Eve, a day full of magic and wonder, excitement and anticipation... so much to wait for and look forward to!

Christmas officially started for me at 2pm today when the doors of the tourist office closed and I left work. Carols were playing on the radio on the way home, and a man from Norad came on the air to explain how they "track" Santa's progress, just minutes after I'd been telling Tim about it and how we should log on to see how Santa is doing on this, his busy night! Do pop by if you have time and see what is going on - just click on the link above!

Take care, my dear readers, thank you for stopping by this month and enjoying it with me - don't forget there will be one last poem posted tomorrow! And please don't think the fun is all over once Christmas Day has been and gone... just like the joy and magic of Christmas can be held in your heart throughout the year, I hope to continue the joy that this series of poems has brought to me and you by posting far more regularly, so do check in every once in a while.

For now though I shall leave you to snuggle up warm, leave out a little treat or two for Santa and his reindeer and curl up in bed with dreams of what tomorrow may bring, whatever your plans are!

Merry Christmas xx

December 23rd

And this is the second of Tim's videos (scroll down to the previous post for his first one!) Again, I encourage you to leave a comment for Tim to thank him for helping me bring the past two days' poems to you despite my feeling rough with a cold!

We are now celebrating "Christmas Eve Eve" and very excited we are about it too. The last bits of food have been bought, I have a half day left and although Tim is working both Christmas Day and Boxing Day we still have plans to make them extra special for the two of us, and our film watching has been planned. We watched Star Wars: A New Hope today, ready to watch the "snowy" second film on Christmas Day (we couldn't watch Star Wars tomorrow night as that is reserved for The Wizard of Oz, of course!) The last few gifts are wrapped and ready to be taken by Santa for delivery, the last few cards to be distributed will go tomorrow and we are all set for the Big Day - yay, it has come at last!

Send me (and all those around me at work who are ill with colds) good thoughts to have a runny/stuffy-nosed-free Christmas Day. And also spare a thought for all those people who will already be queueing up ready for the Service at King's College Chapel tomorrow... yes, some people do go so early, although most don't venture out until tomorrow to be fair!! Even so, you need to be in the queue by 9am to hope to get in from 1.30pm ready for the 3pm start... not fun on a cold, winter's day, especially seeing as how cold it has been of late. But of course, how magical if you do manage it... in fact today I was talking to a girl from Amsterdam who used to watch it on tv as a child and said that it signalled the start of Christmas for her, so she was desperate to be there in person and was aiming to be in the queue by 7am! Personally I can think of warmer ways to spend Christmas Eve, but I can see the charm of being there for the traditional Festival of Nine Lessons!

22nd December

And here it is - Tim's reading of today's poem (only one day late!) You wouldn't believe how vain my boy is - "I need make-up, I'm too shiny", and "I need this poinsettia to be placed *just right*" and "what is this glare on me, it makes me look cross-eyed"... oh boy!

But what a great job he did of it, please do leave him a comment to thank him for taking over for me whilst I was feeling rough (and also for showing me how to minimise the camera screen so I can actually read the words whilst recording, rather than having to memorise them all!) I need to prove to him how wonderful he was at reading the poems, so he may have another go in the future sometime, so do, do leave a comment, please!

A delay in posting...

I am feeling a bit poorly today, think I am going down with a cold, so Tim has offered to record today's poem for me. However he too is feeling a bit rough and so has promised he will record both today's and tomorrow's poems after work tomorrow. This means you will all get to see him and I get a couple of days off from learning poems - not that I mind, but when you're tired and a bit muzzled in the head due to an oncoming cold, remembering words is not the easiest of things to do!

So, see you tomorrow night with the next two poems!

Bis dann xx

December 21st

Today's post is rather late on account of it being the Winter Solstice. It seems so long ago that Tim and I decided we'd have this day off to celebrate, especially as we will only have half of Christmas Day together. We started the day with a lazy morning (despite being rudely awoken at 5.30am by his alarm, which he had forgotten to turn off). We had a scrumptious breakfast of bacon, eggs and beans on toast, followed by the watching of It's a Wonderful Life whilst sitting by an open fire.

I may have mentioned having watched this film already this year, but it is one of my all-time favourite films and I could watch it over and over again (although I had to fast-forward the part where Uncle Billy lost the money as Tim couldn't cope with that part - it really is a sad part and one where I really want to shout at Mr. Potter and all those men like him in our world, so I can understand why he didn't want to watch that part!) Anyway, I have managed to watch all but 3 of my Christmas favourites - The Bishop's Wife, The Polar Express and The Wizard of Oz... the latter has to be watched on Christmas Eve, as explained in this previous post, and The Polar Express has to be watched before Christmas Eve but not too far in advance, but the Bishop's Wife may have to wait until one of the days after Christmas... isn't it funny how we have these habits and traditions which may seem so strange to others but make perfect sense to us. I have to say though, I haven't done too badly to say I have watched nearly all my Christmas favs, some of them more than once this year *ahem*

The rest of our afternoon was spent making mince pies, adding dried fruit and crushed nuts to make the mincemeat spread even further... we then celebrated the Winter Solstice by burning our wishes for the coming year on the fire, taking the lit advent candle out into the snowy garden and eating a mince pie fresh out the oven, before scurrying back inside to the warmth of the fire. It is only just dying down after a day of burning happily for us. The rest of this evening is going to be spent watching Gremlins a film that terrified me beyond words as a child but which amuses me now - it is the closest thing to a Christmas film I can get Tim to watch as he claims one film a day is his quota. We have this running argument that I watch far more of his favourite films and tv shows than he does mine (his argument being he has watched films like Ladies in Lavender and that my films are "girly" whereas his films are ones would enjoy, seen as though I like sci-fi and adventure... hmmm seems to me watching Aliens was a little beyond what I would like to watch, but he still refused to watch that little girl's all-time favourite Dirty Dancing last night, so I think I have a way to go yet in twisting his arm! We have a deal though this year... if I can watch my favourite films he can watch the Star Wars Trilogy over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day - sound fair to you? It does to me...