Writing the pain - a new project

This week has been hell for me. My whole world seemed to crumble as my emotions got the better of me. Every so often this happens. I can be riding on top of the world one day and the next *WHAM* there I am, completely inconsolable. Initially I thought I was going crazy, but over the years I have noticed a pattern - hormones! Just recently this is what happened, my hormones got the better of me and nothing could stop me from crying. It was at this point, in his desperation to "fix" it, Tim came up with the idea that I should write. So I did.

Writing has always been incredibly therapeutic for me, but this past year I seem to have fallen out of the habit. When I look back I realise that the times in my life when I was most at peace were also the times in my life when I wrote the most.

I am very lucky in that writing comes natural to me. I'm even luckier in that, on the whole, people enjoy reading what I write. (Either that, or they just don't like to say otherwise!!) I've also noticed that the one thing that people always say to me is that they enjoyed the "honesty" of my words, the depths of emotion and the fact I do not hold back. With this in mind I have decided to try a new venture, one which I hope will not only benefit me but also others...

My venture is, to write about life with Endometriosis. I am hoping that what I write will not only be comforting and inspiring to other sufferers but also informational to others and maybe even touch them through common ground, such as similar desires for life and the strength to carry on through the darkest times. Perhaps this is a big task, perhaps it will only serve me... but I hope not!

With this in mind, I ask any of you who read this, to play it forward and pass on the word about this project. I will try and set up a unique page for my "Endo posts" and a link in the sidebar (with icon) that may be posted elsewhere. I would also like to encourage others to try and write/create regarding their life. Endometriosis is an unknown condition to many, and it why so many of us suffer when no-one understands. This could be said of many things in life, I know, but this is the one I struggle with... and writing what you know is the way to move others.

So without further ado, here is my first contribution (written on the bus home last night... yes I write anywhere and everywhere!!)


A Lover Gone Bad

Do you know what it's like to be me,
do you really understand?
Do you have any idea
what hell I live through, every day?
Well, do you?

Anger and fear are friends of mine -
you may recognise them, here by my side
They've visited you when I've come to call,
you thought I was just bein cruel,
didn't you?

Pain is a lover I take to bed,
he comes and goes as he pleases...
have you ever known the hurt of a lover gone bad,
never knowing when he'll return,
or when he'll beat you again?
Have you?

Perhaps I'm too harsh, you do try to help
and I know that you care for me too.
But please, do not tell me "It's not so bad"
or worse, that you understand
unless it really is true.


I'm sure that this may sound very harsh to some, but as always I write from the heart. I know I am loved, and so many people try to help, but so often the overwhelming feeling of having a condition like Endometriosis is being completely and utterly alone. I hope that this poem will comfort those who know that pain only too well, and maybe help to explain to those who don't just what it is like.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend
Amanda

Frozen by fear

The last couple of weeks something BIG has come into my thoughts. This something BIG is an aspect of life I have been looking forward to since a very young age (I'd say I became aware of it when I was about 9). It is something I trusted I would get when I got older, something I wanted so much that it directed my career and life choices. It is something I never thought would be a hard decision to make once I reached a certain age... but here I am and the decision is so hard!

When you're little you never worry about money, health and all those other factors that come in to major life choices. Heck, even as short a time back as 2 years when I chose to move to Cambridge to live with Tim I didn't think about these things... and life got tough! The last two years have been so trying for us, but so special in so many ways (I know just how deep our love is for each other now). However the troubles we've had financially and the difficulties with my health have made me rethink so many things, and often through fear.

I now feel completely paralysed from the fear of what "may" happen. This is nothing new to me as I was very timid as a child and wanted to stay in my safe little box forever. Once I learnt to push my boundaries I decided that however tough it may get, it was all worth it. But now there is not just myself to think about, but others too. How will my decisions affect those in my life. These are big decisions and I can't make them just for me.

Yet there is a part of me that is aching so much for the thing I have wanted for so many years that I can't bear it. I want to say "stuff it" and just go for my dream. This isn't helped by the fact that I feel fearful that there may be problems ahead due to my health and that also my job may not be very secure due to the current climate. There are far too many variables for me to worry about and I wish I could just shut the negatives out long enough to listen to the real positives.

That is why I am going to see a hypnotherapist this weekend. I have wanted to try this for a couple of years, knowing how fear has directed my life from about the age of 9 as well (weird, huh) and that however much logic I put to the fears they still grab hold of me and shake sometimes. I am fed up of living in fear and want to live for now. I must say, seeing the film "UP" the other day really brought this home... if I let circumstance stop me from having my dream, I may live my whole life never knowing it. And although I will experience other amazing things, this one dream is so important I do not want to forsake it.

Until then, my thoughts continue to be occupied (or plagued) by the decision that lies ahead...

Long time no blog...

Ok, I think maybe changing my old blog to a new joint blog was a bit of a let down... I felt too pressurised to find something "joint" to talk about, rather than just writing about whatever came into my head as I did on the old one and Tim, well Tim just seemed to forget all about it - bless!

So what's new, you ask! Well...

1. My parents' house is still without a roof thanks to the insurance company holding up the rebuild after the fire. I went up to Lincoln to see them last week and saw both the house and the damage, plus their temporary accommodations - both very strange to get used to. It's bizarre walking through the home you grew up in and seeing it in such a damaged way and reminds me just how lucky my family were that it happened in the early evening rather than at night when the fumes would have consumed them - so grateful!!

2. I've been busy making things for both Christmas and the new baby (our nephew-to-be) - lots of fun but also very hard to fit in around the long working days. I also wrote and painted a poem for a colleague's retirement party, which made me remember how much I love writing and making things.

3. Tim's car failed it's MOT (well it was 16 years old!!) so we now have almost exactly the same car, only now it is white instead of dark blue and 3 years younger - very hard to get used to the "same, same but different" feel of it.

4. The neighbourhood cat that comes in to have cuddles and kisses with us (but never really wants to eat anything we give her!) almost got our hamster the other day *gasp* - I ran upstairs after thinking she'd gone quiet (I was busying crocheting a bootee at the time) and she shot across the room from the cage to the cupboard - naughty Kitty!! The ext day the hamster (who thinks he's a lemming) leapt off the sofa and ran so fast I didn't know where he had gone and it took us 10 minutes of frantic searching to find him under the stairs behind the shoe rack... panic over!

5. The rest of my time has been taken up by worrying: how will we ever pay off the last bit of debt, save up for a wedding, have enough money to live and have kids, will my health suffer when we decide to have kids and I take the coil out and the endo has free reign, will I have to work full-time just to afford to have kids when I'd much rather stay home with them, should Tim really have to support me though... etc etc etc... boy I am and always have been one of the world's worst (or greatest) worriers. It does me no good, however, and I am currently trying to trust in "the plan" and give up my worries to God (or fate or whatever you like to call it, or not, whichever the case may be. Quite frankly I don't know who I think is in charge of "the plan" but it certainly isn't me and for once that makes me happy!)

So yeah, that's about where we're at. Things at work are *ahem* interesting... we've moved, so many people are complaining about this and that, the recession is biting butts etc, same thing as everywhere and it's tiring as anything... but my colleagues are wonderful, and I have a job ... so who can complain?

Anyway better go, have to go to work now and will miss my bus if I don't run soon
Have a wonderful day, all xx

Weddings

Ok I have been a bad blogger... I have left this poor new blog alone for far too long. But how can a girl think of blogging when all her online time is spent researching dresses, colour themes and all other wonderful wedding planning?? Since T popped the big question, my mind has been occupied with working out what I want, who I want to be there and how the day might go - poor old boy! My dad mentioned he had unleashed a monster and that our first dance should be Monster by The Automatic (thanks Dad). But then I thought, why shouldn't I blog about this, seen as though this blog is about our life together... what bigger part of our lives could there be than marriage (well of our lives so far, anyway)? So without further ado I shall leave you with some images of my current inspiration - enjoy...

Roma - beautiful, romantic Roma

We recently went to Rome for one of my best friend's wedding - it began at 4.30, then after the ceremony and a few drinks we headed to the beach for sunset photos.. how romantic!

I have never, ever eaten so much in my entire life as we ate at the wedding, let alone in Rome itself... the Italians sure love their food, and why not when it tastes sooooo good!

We spent the rest of our time there running round, trying to see as much as possible, which was

a LOT!! You can tell just how hot it was by hot tired I look in most of the photos...

We saw the Vatican...

the baths at Caracalla...

the Colosseum...

the palatine and house of Augustus...

the Roman forums...

and so much more. We even saw lots of TIM...

TIM was everywhere...

But I liked my Tim the best... especially when he proposed...

of course I said YES!!

Now I just have to save up some money and decide what kind of wedding I actually want (now that it is real and not a dream it's quite hard to decide... I hope it will be as beautiful as my friend's wedding!!)

We can't have it on a beach...

But it will be romantic... how could it not after such a romantic engagement?

NB: more photos and tales will follow, I promise, when I manage to get them uploaded

Painting from the Heart

I haven't really done any painting for years and even then I only dabbled a bit here and there. I did art GCSE but only covered the basics and although I have always been inspired by the work of others, the written word was always my medium.

But lately I have felt "stuck". I just couldn't write like I used to and certainly couldn't find the place in my heart where inspiration lived. I was so busy trying to write what I thought other people would like that it became a chore.

This is a pattern I follow in my life too: too little self-worth makes me try to please others far more than pleasing myself and enjoying who I am. Embarrassed by my dreams and interests I hide them away and then tear myself apart emotionally when the life I create for myself does not live up to those same dreams.

So, last night I decided to take Tim's advice and do something purely for the pleasure of it. I started by watching a documentary about teenage parents, which led me to watch some videos on YouTube of birth (I have always had a massive interest in pregnancy, birth and the beginning of life) and I felt something inside me stirring... that's when the sketches at the start of this post came into being.

I wanted to explore the beauty of life, rather than the mundane, everyday grind which can get us down so often. Moments of joy that will last in our memories forever. Birth is one such moment. Nurturing a child is another. And so the first in a series of paintings, brought straight from the heart, developed. And here is the finished product.

Well, I say finished... I haven't decided yet whether to paint a background or not. I'm really rather pleased with how it came out - I love the simplicity of it and am astounded that I managed to actually get some shading in there. I'm starting to think that maybe, by doing something I love, I might even create things other people will love too. What do you think?

Happy Lughnasadh

Did you know that August 1st sees the celebration of Lughnasadh? No, neither did I until Tim thoughtfully bought me a magazine to read whilst feeling poorly (I blame the 2000 tourists that seem to be pouring through our doors each day this summer... one of them is bound to pass on something "icky"). Lughnasadh is, apparently, the day that the ancient Celts used to celebrate the first fruits of the harvest and enjoy the last days of summer before the return of the Dark Year (autumn and winter). I also discovered that this is where the Christian festival of Lammas has its roots. Don't you just love learning things like this?

According to the article I read there were several ways of celebrating during this festival: craft fayres and roasting on spits, along with horse racing and bards and minstrels were all key parts of the day. It was, quite simply, a day of thanking the earth for her bounty and making offerings to her, such as a lash of mead poured on the land. The magazine suggests such a celebration is easier at the end of the month, when barbecues and family get-togethers are possible during the bank holiday weekend - but I am not going to let this day go past without a mention (not when I only found out about it yesterday!!)

So how are we celebrating Lughnasadh? Well... Tim is following his plans of cleaning the boiler in preparation for the coming months when we will need it to be working at peak efficiency - sounds like a good way to prepare. And I am going to spend the day, whilst recovering, thanking the earth for her blessings of food in our garden (I think I'll try making a salad or something) and picking up an old craft project I have put aside. Not exactly as the article suggests, but I did only have a few hours to prepare!!

But most importantly, I think we shall sit tonight quietly contemplating the blessings this summer has brought us and the dreams we have for our future. I hope you will find the time to sit and just "be" for a while too this weekend.

Happy Lugh, everybody x