Friday, 12 February 2010

Fighting talk

Sorry about an error in my previous post. Due to the flu or some other nasty bug I have caught I was not really with it and have not yet changed it. For more info and to hear all about the "win" with the article, please do visit Jeanne's blog!

Now for something else...

Tim and I sadly left number 22 at the weekend and I feel very displaced right now. I am exhausted from the move, stressed because of what is happening at work (restructures and all that), fed up of filling in application forms and annoyed to have gone down with some nasty bug of some sort. I should have seen it coming... my parents and Tim told me Sunday night I looked terribly ill and I felt like death itself but I still got up and went to work and sat in 16 degrees celcius all day (brrrrr) and then went to work on Tuesday and sat through 26 degrees celcius (bleugh) and then spent my day off on Wednesday filling in application forms and tidying up and all of this on top of the fact that I could not find my HRT patches and so had not worn one since Monday night (watch out, hormonal, chemically induced menopausal woman on the rampage) and now realised I had no idea where my new strip of anti-depressant tablets were....

So guess what happened. Tim shouted, I burst into tears and became a manic, frantic searching machine and cried and cried and cried... oh it was awful. I haven't done that since before I started these tablets. What a mess...

Life is hard, you know. Sometimes it downright sucks. I realised this once again whilst standing in the shower that night and remembered that I needed to get back to writing again and find that spark of life I had started to reclaim these past few months. I needed to retrace my steps, do more Reiki, pray more, sleep more, do what makes me happy, and plan for the future I always dreamed of.

Life is hard, and sometimes you fight back with all you've got until you can fight no more and even then you feel guilty for not fighting harder and longer. That's when you sometimes need to stop fighting more than anything else in the world and just let it happen. That's when you find some kind of peace, sometimes. Sometimes the real fight is with yourself and your "conscience", or whatever that guilt you feel seems to pass itself for these days. Just sometimes you need to let go...

I haven't got there yet, I've still got some fight, but my tactics are changing ever so slightly. I'm heading back to filling in application forms, but every once in a while I am stopping to create. 22 may be no more, but the dream lives on. I shall fight for it my entire life and one day I will win.

4 comments:

Simone said...

I am sorry you had to move Amanda and that you are feeling so down right now. Moving is one of the top stress factors there is, so moving on top of everything else that is happening to you, it is no wonder that you are run down. Try to focus on the positive things (I know you do)and try not too worry about factors that are out of your control. Things will get better. x

Bithya said...

Oh Hunny...I know what you mean..have to find the spark too ... but found out that small things like dinner with a friend..or taking the time to paint can help me a bit... hope you'll find your spark!

Big Hugs...thinking of you!

Jeanne said...

Amanda,

I am sorry about all of the stress you mentioned. You have a lot going on right now. Moving is always stressful, among other things. Just remember your self-care, like you said, and hang in there!

Jeanne

P.S. The final outcome with that media issue was satisfying, huh? :)

Jeanne said...

Amanda,

I was checking to see if I had commented on this post and I see that I had previously done so. However, the link in your post just goes to my general home page.

Anyone wishing to read about the "win" for endometriosis patients that Amanda referenced in this post can read about it here:

http://chronichealing.com/endometriosis-advocacy-and-the-media/

Thank you.

Jeanne

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